


Never Me

by Ribbonlette



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Hate Sex, M/M, Strangulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 13:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3383933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ribbonlette/pseuds/Ribbonlette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If I am not hated, what reason do you have to look at me? It hurts. It hurts so very much. It hurts because you will look at others. You will look at them and see them. And acknowledge them.</p><p>But never me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Me

**Author's Note:**

> I know I've mostly posted fluff and domestic type stuff until now buuut there's also this. So yeah. This is just kind of exploring Izaya's feelings for Shizuo a bit, though it didn't get quite as indepth as I wanted ;;; Oh well.
> 
> There is mild sexual content in this one tho it's short and not very... graphic?? As that wasn't the focus.
> 
> I hope you enjoy and please leave kudos if you do!!

Why is it always me?

Why am I always the one getting left out?

Why am I always the one being hated?

Why am I always the one being told I'm not good enough? Not worth it?

Why aren't I worth it?

What did I do to become so worthless to you?

You chased me for years, running on hatred, yes, but also something more. We both know this, though we may chose to ignore it.

Yes, I antagonize you. Yes, I tease you. Yes, I attempt to ruin you on a near daily basis, but it's only because I want you to chase me.

I crave the attention, you see.

Because otherwise I am unworthy of it.

If I am not hated, what reason do you have to look at me?

It hurts. 

It hurts so very much.

It hurts because you will look at others. You will look at them and see them.

And acknowledge them.

But never me.

Why is it never me?

All I ask is for you to look at me.

To see me.

To acknowledge me.

Confirm that I exist, even when you are not angry.

Please.

I'm begging you.

For once, can it please be me?

\----

Once again, Izaya is dashing through the alleyways of Ikebukuro with a monster hot on his heels. He glances back every so often, to get a look at his monster. Oh, he's gotten closer. That just makes Izaya's laughter grow, bubble from his chest in hysterical sounds of amusement. This chase is what he lives for after all and he doesn't know what he would do without this thrilling feeling of adrenaline coursing through him.

Of course, if one were to listen close enough they may hear something in his laughter, something other than amusement. A tinge of desperation. A bit of something that he could never identify but would fall in the realm of sadness. Fear, perhaps. 

But then, no one ever cared to listen.

\----

At some point Izaya makes a mistake. He hates to admit that's what it is, but there is no other phrase to describe it. Well, actually, there are a bunch of ways to describe it but none of them are really any better.

He ends up cornered in the back of an alleyway near Shizuo's apartment; pinned between two trash cans, a wall, and the monster himself. They're both breathing hard by now, having been at this for so long, and their breath mingles between them. Izaya is of the opinion that his enemy is far too close, but then he'd probably be able to get away otherwise. That would be nice.

A way to escape is always nice. Izaya is rather fond of running after all; running from Shizuo; running from yakuza; running from the police; running from his emotions and thoughts; running from the wars he starts, if only to be at a safe distance to watch without being dragged down as well. It has always been a pastime of his. Always been something he makes sure he has. It's important to have an out to any situation that might arise, otherwise things might get dangerous.

Unfortunately, he has never managed to find an out when it came to Shizuo. His monster never was one to let things go, and even if Izaya got away from one fight Shizuo was sure to start it up again as soon as he spotted the other. 

But more than that, Izaya has never been able to get away from Shizuo even in his own head. His monster was always there, always with him. Watching. Taunting. Izaya wants to kill him. To eliminate him.

I have to wipe you off the face of my earth.

So once again he is trapped by his monster, pinned down and completely open to attack. His switchblade is in pieces a few feet behind Shizuo, his last one. Shizuo's breath is hot on his face, coming in heavy pants. Whether that's from the running or the anger Izaya never is sure.

"...Caught you." Shizuo's voice is quiet, filled with hatred and malice. It sends shivers down Izaya's spine. He never will get used to Shizuo's intensity, to the rawness of his anger. It's nearly incomprehensible.

"It seems so." Izaya replies smoothly, his ever present grin giving his words a tinge of sarcastic amusement. "And what does the dog plan to do with his prey now that he's caught it? Hm? Or did you not think of that?" The laughter is clear in his voice, though the slight struggling of his wrists in Shizuo's grip betrays him. He knows he can't escape; Shizuo is far too strong. So why does he still struggle?

A fear response is an irrational thing.

The angry smirk that Shizuo sometimes gets when dealing with Izaya slides onto his face. He knows Izaya knows he has him caught. Izaya can see that plainly in his eyes. They both know that there are only two paths this will take now, both of them relatively painful for Izaya, though one moreso than the other. Before they go down either path however there is going to be that moment of tension. Nearly unbearable tension as they teeter on the edge.

Which way will they fall this time?

"Heh, stop acting so tough. We both know you can't get away now." Shizuo leans in, presses his angry smile to Izaya ear to murmur against it. "Are you scared, Izaya? You're still struggling..."

A shiver of mixed emotions runs down Izaya's spine. Fear is definitely one of them, but it is overpowered by the pure thrill of the situation. Shinra has always accused him of getting off on stressful situations and putting himself in danger. Izaya supposes that that isn't actually too far off the mark.

"Of course not. Why in the world would I be afraid of you?" His voice is steady, even as he lies through his teeth. He's lost control of this situation after all, he is no longer truly calm. "You're just a protozoan monster. I've never been afraid of you. Though everyone else certainly is. Honestly, I don't know how you haven't been put down like the animal you a-"

Izaya is cut off by the sudden addition of Shizuo's hand pressing against his throat, cutting off his air. His now free hand flies to Shizuo's wrist instantly, squeezing and trying to tug Shizuo's hand away. He's choking, trying desperately to get air. Shizuo just watches him. Waiting. Giving him time to recognize his fear. 

"You're not scared, huh..." Letting up on Izaya's throat a bit, Shizuo leans back. Izaya gasps, pulling in as much air as he can even with Shizuo's hand still on his throat. He can breath now, if shallowly. The world is already spinning around him a bit however, which is slightly concerning.

"Izaya, I don't know if you've realized this but you tend to babble when you're nervous or scared." Izaya's eyes widen a bit, showing a combination of thinly veiled surprised and open hatred. "Don't give me that look. I'm not so stupid that I wouldn't notice. I've been chasing you for years after all. Every time I get you pinned you start talking your head off. 'S annoying."

Unsure how to take this information, Izaya just looks away. Why must Shizuo be so damn perceptive? He always has been able to see right through him and Izaya hates it. Shizuo is one of the few people Izaya can't understand, yet Shizuo seems to be able to pick up on every tiny thing about him. It's frustrating beyond belief.

"Oh, are you pouting? Really? What a fucking child. I really ought to just do everyone a favor and take you out right now." Despite these words Shizuo makes no move to tighten his grip again. His boiling anger seems to have settled down to a simmer and though it is obviously still there, he has it slightly contained. Izaya holds his breath. Maybe if he doesn't say anything this will take the less painful route.

After a few quiet moments of the two of them just breathing, Izaya can't wait anymore. He can't take the tension. So instead of waiting he decides to try and get a rise out of Shizuo. Any reaction would be better than this.

Shifting a bit, Izaya slides his leg forward, between Shizuo's. He moves up a bit, pressing his leg against Shizuo experimentally. There's a growl of warning in his ear and he pauses. He might be pushing himself down the path that leads to his death, or at the very least a trip to Shinra's. But he could also manage to push down the other path, a much more pleasurable path, one that they haven't taken in a few weeks. He's hoping that the time apart will be enough to convince Shizuo.

"Oh, cmon..." he breathes, propping his leg up a bit to rub against Shizuo. That elicits another growl, though with much less malice this time. "It's been a while. And we're pretty close to your place. And... I do believe you're fairly worked up already... So why not just..." He bites at his bottom lip, moving his free hand to Shizuo's jaw so he can pull Shizuo into a teasing kiss. "...finish the job. Hm?"

Shizuo's face is flushed as he pulls away. With anger, embarrassment, or lust, Izaya isn't sure. But it hardly matters. By the look on Shizuo's face, he's won this match.

He won't be going to the hospital today.

Probably.

\---- 

They've been doing this for years. Izaya has lost track of how long it's been since it became a regular thing, but he knows it has been a while. Of course they had experimented some in high school. After all, hormones are high during those years and their fights were certainly intense enough to elicit some reactions. They didn't see each other for a while after graduating however, and even when they were "reunited," per say, Shizuo never got close enough to catch Izaya, and so it was a while before they did anything of this type.

At some point however Izaya got bored. And so, in order to spice things up a bit, he let Shizuo catch him. The first time didn't go so well. He ended up with a concussion and a few broken fingers. Despite that, Izaya continued to let Shizuo catch him, and soon enough he got the interesting outcome he had hoped for.

And this time is no different from the first. Izaya let himself be caught and disarmed (at least... as far as Shizuo knew) and then, in a moment of pure adrenaline, Shizuo dragged him forward and smashed their lips together. Well... it wasn't entirely unprompted. Izaya had been goading him for a good amount of time and of course in his rage Shizuo has to one up his enemy. After getting fairly heated in the alleyway Shizuo had dragged Izaya back to his tiny apartment and from there everything went downhill.

Izaya was thrilled.

Finally, something new and interesting! Another way to get under Shizuo's skin! 

It was just the distraction he needed.

\----

Hot breaths mingle between them, shallow pants that betray only lust. Bodies move together, in a way that could almost be considered fighting with how they battle for dominance. It's not gentle; never is with them. They both want control, want the other at their mercy. Of course one is finally pinned and forced to submit and then things can move forward. It's rarely an easy or fair fight and it’s never very clean.

This time, like so many other times, Shizuo comes out on top. Izaya ends up pinned beneath him, face pressed in a pillow and hips held up in the air as Shizuo ruts against him. The rush of being pinned is one that Izaya will never get used to. It gets him worked up so easily, puts him into a sort of high, just like every other part of having sex with a monster does.

The feeling is addictive.

He’s not sure when or how it happened, but at some point sex with Shizuo became a sort of drug for Izaya, one that he quickly became addicted to. It became one of his main reasons for going to bug Shizuo, along with the thrill of the chase and the satisfaction of annoying him. It was just something he needed to do occasionally, and then more than occasionally, then at least once a week. Sometimes it hits him that these feelings he has for Shizuo may be close to an obsession. He quickly shoves such thoughts aside however. They’re far too pathetic.

Soon Shizuo’s slick fingers are pressing inside him, not remotely gentle. Izaya bites back his moan, not willing to give Shizuo the satisfaction of his voice. That would mean that Shizuo is getting to him and Izaya is never willing to admit that. Never willing to admit the this is such an addiction for him. Never willing to admit that Shizuo so easily gets under his skin.

It’s always been that way. Shizuo may be explosive in his anger with how Izaya irritates him but Izaya is more controlled. He’s subtle in his anger, never letting on to just how much Shizuo affects him. And Shizuo does affect him, greatly. Shizuo’s gaze, intense in it’s rawness, keeps Izaya up at night. The heat of Shizuo’s touch and the efficiency in which Shizuo picks him apart without even realizing it drives Izaya mad. He can’t stand it, he can’t take it.

It’s terrifying to know that someone understands him that well.

It doesn’t take long for Shizuo to get sick of foreplay and move on. He always is terribly impatient. Izaya isn’t able to keep in his gasp this time as Shizuo presses into him, his whole body shuddering from the sudden intrusion. A glare and a remark of “Some warning next time” is thrown over Izaya’s shoulder. Shizuo just grins and starts moving, purposely defying Izaya’s request.

As per usual the pace is fast and rough. The purpose is hardly for any type of emotional connection after all. There is a tone of hatred over every interaction between the two and sex is no exception. Izaya knows for a fact that Shizuo doesn't even consider this "sex" but instead just "fucking." In a way, Izaya can agree. Sex implies some kind of positive emotions. Fucking however is instinctual and, for these two who fight constantly, an extension of said fighting. An act of dominance and stress relief. It is mutual and consensual but that doesn't mean either of them really cares much for how the other feels. Each individual's pleasure is put before the other's.

And Izaya is perfectly okay with that. What reason would he have not to be? Hate fucking is better than sex anyway. It's enough for him.

It has to be.

Of course it does.

Otherwise, what does he do this for?

\-----------------

Izaya barely has time to recover from the high of orgasm before Shizuo is throwing clothes at him and telling him to "Get the fuck out before I really do kill you this time."

Izaya just grins.

He grins, eerily, manically. A horrible grin, meant to conceal something even from the wearer.

Izaya laughs, high and insane. Unrestrained. 

A laugh of desperation and pain that even Izaya himself doesn't understand.

He never was so fond of emotions within himself, after all. Feeling things is such a hassle and he goes to great lengths to avoid it. Unfortunately Shizuo manages to break down walls without even knowing it and Izaya ends up feeling things despite himself.

Not that he can even identify what most of the emotions are. All of them make him feel sick.

And Izaya leaves. He leaves to a lamp narrowly missing his head and curses thrown at him, declarations of hate in the form of threats. 

By the time he gets home, Izaya's high is gone and he's back to feeling empty.

\------------

I'll never be noticed without hate.

You'll never look at me with anything but anger.

It will never be me.

I know that.

I do.

It's okay.

I don't want anything more than for you to look at me.

Your face contorted in hate is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

So it's okay.

I'm okay.

I'll just continue like this, making you hate me, making myself miserable and happy and insane.

I wonder what expression you'll make when I finally burn out.

Too bad I won't get to see it.


End file.
